he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
