I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
