my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
In other news, I just burned my penis
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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