Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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