mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
