you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
