I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
