its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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