you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
