don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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