Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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