No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
