I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
