i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
