Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
