my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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