I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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