from now on my penis is your penis
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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