we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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