She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
