Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
