There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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