i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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