Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
This is my gift to your gina
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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