Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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