I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
