I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
