I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
