Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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