I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
