I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
