The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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