Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
