I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
