The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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