Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
