my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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