Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
love makes seman taste better
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
