someone threw a dead crab at me
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
