hotel room ftw
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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