I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
