I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
