He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
