Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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