remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
