I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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