My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
