Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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