This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Who died my cat blue again?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
