I'm lost and stupid without you.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My vagina just recognized that song.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
